"I'm going to be true to what I want to do, because if I care what people think about me, I'm a puppet. Which I have been in my life. And you can't live life that way, man!" ~ Donny Osmond.
I've always been an introvert for all my life and I personally have no issue with it whatsoever. My shyness had always held me back from wanting to interact with people [conversation wise], however, I realize I need some major improvements with my social skills so I can hold a conversation (minus the awkwardness) beyond the small talk of: "Hi, how are you?" I don't expect to be the center of attention and I don't initiate conversations due to my overactive shyness/awkwardness. Yet, I have no problem in being around small crowds of people and a lot of the time, my shyness gets the best of me. I want to kick my shyness to the curb so I can become an extrovert and in some respect, I can be an extrovert only with people I feel comfortable with but most of the time I consider myself an introvert. I'm not certain if it's a positive thing or a negative way of looking at my shyness. On the same token, there would be negative moments of where my depression keeps me from wanting to live life without the shame or guilt of wanting to live life. I don't mean living it up at the club every single weekend when I have a 5 year-old to care for (unfortunately, I don't have that luxury of being able to pick up and go whenever I feel like it, guilt free).
My definition of living life is living in the moment without fear, concern, defeat, the guilt, and just being able to let go of the negativity. I haven't figured out on how to live life in the moment minus the guilt, shame, feeling terrified and holding myself back of wanting live life in a positive way so I can eventually look back at my life and be proud of myself without much disappointment. I think as children, you tend to live in the moment because children don't have agendas (whether positive or negative), checklists and other adult concerns (Example: Bills, etc.) to deal with. But as you get older, you tend to "lose" that feeling (of living life or living in the moment) and become more focused on college, getting your career going, knowing where you're at in life at that exact moment, eventually setting down for the right reason with the possibility of being someone's husband/wife or being someone's mother/father, etc. I'm just not ready to settle down and become someone's wife yet and I don't believe in marriage, I still have time until I find the right person.
I never planned to become a mom, I had other ideas in mind at age 26 and I suppose life "had other plans" for me, I never had any intentions or plans for motherhood and I wanted to get everything out of my system so I'm not questioning myself on the should have, could have, would have or what if, etc. For example, I wanted to earn my Associates Degree (or rather A.A.S) and finally going on to earning a Bachelor's Degree (B.A, whichever you would like to say) in Fine Arts Photography, get my career going in photography, get all the partying out of my system, explore life by traveling around the world, exploring different people from different cultures, live life, become established with a decent income so I'm not struggling to take care of myself but as long as I'm doing okay for myself financially, becoming comfortable and confident in my own skin. I still have the world to explore before I settle down and I'm still healthy enough to conquer the world. At the end of the day, I don't want to be 90 something and finally going to all sorts of night clubs partying with people who are half my age. I want to live life without the guilt, shame or fear. I want to have some fun before I become old and immobile in a sickly way, I want to be or live to see 90 looking back knowing that I've lived life without much guilt, shame or fear. I eventually want to settle down in about five or ten years from now and there will come a time where the whole Friends With Benefits will eventually come to an end. I realize I'm getting older and there are certain things that I would love to leave behind, such as the whole Friends With Benefits and/or being someone's booty call. I want to have a clear mind and as well as a clear conscious for when I feel ready to settle down.
It makes me wonder if I'm a loss cause considering I've always held myself back from wanting to live life without much guilt, shame or fear. Don't get me wrong, I do want to have as much fun as I can before I lay on my deathbed with many regrets and at the end of the day, you only live once. I realize I'm a single parent (I never intended to become a mom at age 26) to a 5 year-old, I'm not sure how to feel about motherhood and motherhood came into the picture when I haven't experienced life yet. I'm sure it can have a negative effect on my own well being because I'm always either working or caring for my son and in the end, I feel restless while my friends are out having the time of their lives while I'm at home either on a Friday or Saturday night. I also want to have my fair share of fun to maintain my own sanity in a healthy way. On the positive note, motherhood has kept me busy and out of trouble. I'm pretty much stuck in that predicament of those thoughts. I'm always concerned with what others think, I don't want to be that person who is always concerned with what others think of me and I want to live life the best that I can without regret.
Warm blessings,
Jennifer
