My Tubal Ligation: Two Years Later and Still the Best Decision Ever

"It was just a weight lifted off my shoulders that I'm not ever going to get pregnant now. That's just been my nightmare since I was a teenager." ~ A patient sharing her experience with Today

Good morning; afternoon; and evening friends and fans! Namasté. 🧘🏽‍♀️ It's been two years since I've had my tubes tied and I have zero regrets on my personal decision to have my tubes tied. Although I honestly wish I had done it years ago since I never had that maternal desire to start a family of my own. I can't change the past but if I could have done things differently, I would have gotten health insurance and had my tubes tied which is my biggest regret of not doing this much sooner. Don't get me wrong, I like children and not everyone wants children just because naturally was born with a uterus and a vagina simply does not mean you want children just to squeeze yourself what society expects from every individual. If I could trade places with another woman who suffers from infertility issues, I would totally trade places with her on any given day without even thinking twice about it because it makes me internally smile knowing that her wish is being fulfilled of having a family without having to spend thousands of dollars on IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) treatments. I personally feel it's money you could use for your first home between the amount of money spent on IVF treatments to the medications the doctors prescribe their patients to those eighteen years of caring and taking care of a child. If having a family makes you very happy, I'm happy that you're happy. Again, if I could trade places with you, I would do it in a blink of an eye so I can pursue my own dreams all without having children slowing me down in any kind of way and making me feel a certain type of way that my dreams, hope for a better future, aspiration, having a college degree and having an actual career as a photographer won't feel as short lived before I'm ready to retire. Or feeling like my dream of a better life living child free, having a college degree, having a career, and wanting to travel the world on my own terms won't feel like it sadly ended at age 26. I wonder what my life would have been like had I gotten my tubes tied ages ago and I feel like my life would have turned out very different had my tubes been tied. I would not be in this predicament if I had gotten my tubes tied a long time ago because I know what my situation is, even if you're one of those who will ask, "What if you change your mind?" Or "What if you meet the right guy?" Questions like that, I'm going to keep all ten of my ten toes firmly on the ground and say this with my whole chest, just because it's expected for all women to pop out one baby after another does not or should not apply to all women because not everyone desires the idea of life as parents. I feel not everyone likes children or have that natural maternal desire to even have children which is perfectly fine by me, to each their own.

"Those of us who are childfree will never have the life experience of being a parent. Even for those who very much wanted to have children, but by chance or biology could not, there is no reason to not find purpose and fantastic enjoyment in life." ~ Ellen L. Walker

I have no regrets on having my tubes tied two years ago and I feel it's the best decision of my life but again, I just wish I had done this at age twenty. If I had done that, I feel that I would not be where I am at in life, I could have gone my way, and my son's father could have gone his own way. I would be doing my own thing as a photographer, and I wouldn't feel like my own life ended as I became a mom at age 26 through rape. I've always experienced irregular menstrual cycles over the years, and I wonder if that's what messed me up. All in all, I hold no regrets of having my tubes tied for the last twenty-four months. I don't know I do feel guilty for being healthy enough to have children while there are people out there who suffer from infertility which is why I would love to trade places with them on any given day. Having children is not for the faint of heart and unfortunately, there is no return policy on children after thirty days so to speak. Have that hard but honest and uncomfortable conversation with yourself before you lay in bed with anyone on where you're at in life. If you know for sure you are not ready for children, have that uncomfortable conversation with yourself because it is at the end of the day a commitment raising a child in this economy along with the sacrifices that comes along with raising a child [unfortunately]. If you for sure you aren't ready to have children, do what you have to protect yourself first and not be in an unpleasant predicament like I am regretting not getting your tubes tied ages ago. If you feel that being childfree is the best way to go, protect yourself now and you can't go wrong! It's been two years since I've had my tubes tied, I haven't had any common symptoms such as heavier, lighter, or irregular periods, and worse cramps. I've always experienced irregular menstrual cycles which is nothing new to me. Every woman's body is built different where their bodies change after they've had their tubes tied. So far, all is good on my end and as long as I maintain a healthy diet and exercise.

Blessed be,

Jennifer

Beyond The Stars: A Father's Day Blog

"Dad, wherever you are, you are gone but you will never be forgotten." ~ Conrad Hall

Good morning; afternoon; and evening friends and fans! Namasté. 🧘🏽‍♀️ Father's Day is a complicated milestone for many of us. For decades, the holiday has held up a mirror to a void in my life, forcing me to confront a relationship that was defined more by silence than by presence.

I didn't meet my biological father, Dionisio, until August of 1993. I was ten years old, standing in the middle of my sister's Sweet Sixteen, meeting a man who should have been there all along. From that moment on, he was in and out of my life like a ghost.

During junior high, I remember standing in the card aisle, carefully picking out birthday cards to send to him. I wanted to connect. I wanted a dad. But the mailbox remained empty on my own birthdays. He never sent a single card. People often underestimate how deeply that specific rejection cuts. A text message is easy, but there is a distinct comfort in knowing someone took the time to walk into a store, look through a rack, and choose a card just for you. I never got that from him, though I still hold onto the few Christmas cards he did send, tangible proof that he existed in my world, however briefly.

By 2011, the silence won. We lost touch. Three years later, in 2014, he passed away from a brain aneurysm.

When he died, the tears I shed weren't born of traditional grief. They were fueled by a volatile mix of anger, rejection, and abandonment. Now, with the perspective of time, a quiet regret creeps in. I sometimes wish I had reached out during those final three years. I wish I had more photographs to look back on. I find myself trapped in those painful, familiar questions that children of absent parents know all too well: If I had been born a boy, would he have stayed? Was I just not enough?

The trauma of his absence ran so deep that I decided early on I never wanted to be a mother. I was terrified of passing that generational pain down to a child. But life rarely follows our scripts. At age 26, a horrific assault resulted in an unplanned pregnancy.

Today, I am the mother of a wonderful son who is on the autism spectrum. He is verbal, functional, and the center of my world. Yet, history has a cruel way of echoing. Watching my son grow up without a father figure is a unique, sharp pain. It is the exact reality I fought so hard to avoid repeating.

This Father's Day, I am choosing to be honest about where I am. I am not completely from Dionisio's absence, either before or after his death. It is going to take a long time to sort through the layers of what was, what wasn't, and what could have been.

To anyone else navigating a complicated, painful, or empty Father's Day: your anger is valid. Your regret is valid. You are allowed to mourn the father had while fiercely protecting the child you are raising alone. Healing doesn't have a deadline.

Happy Father's Day.

Blessed be,

Jennifer

Shutter Therapy: My Minolta Returns

"Film forces you to be deliberate. There's no spray and pray - just patience and presence." ~ Nina Patel, film photographer

Good morning; afternoon; and evening friends and fans! Namasté. 🧘🏽‍♀️ Before I attended this career fair at HRA Business Link in Lower Manhattan today and I decided to dust off my Minolta X-370 since I hadn't used my camera in a long time. Last time I used my Minolta X-370 was in 2021, the shutter had stopped working on me while I was on my photography walk in 2021, and I was more concerned about the cost to repair the shutter since I'm on a budget. If you're a film photographer with a full-time position, it helps being able to fund your film photography hobby or career. Part-time employment is alright but not the best but not the worse and it would sure as hell help having a full-time job after you're caught up with your expenses (bills), splurge on film. I was very giddy when the camera began working again and I gathered my camera, zoom lens, and Kodak Portra 400. You don't know how I've missed going on my photography walks and I'm very much looking forward to going on future photography walks over the summer. I still have film left over since my cousin's wedding and I'm still feeling giddy in a childlike way! I still need to stop by at B&H for the Japan Camera Hunter 35mm Film Hard Case, the one that holds ten rolls of film at a time or I may order Evergreen 35mm Film Storage Case | Holds 18 Rolls | Preserve and Protect Your Film | Waterproof, Crushproof, & Freezer-Safe from Amazon. Although it may make sense to purchase the case from Amazon, just saying and I highly doubt I will shoot all eighteen rolls of film within a single day but at the same time, it may make sense to purchase film that holds ten rolls of film. If I do order the one from Amazon, that case will just remain at home for any film that I've used during my photography walks. Next roll of Black and White film I'm looking to shoot is CineStill BwXX Double-X Black and White Negative Film | 35mm, ISO 250, 36 Exp. If I were still with the Parks Department since it is a full-time position with a guaranteed forty hours per week in comparison to working eight hours per week at my retail job which will remain nameless and I'd be able to drop the film off at B&H to develop the 29 or so rolls of film when it's more in my budget. I'm ready to rock and roll hitting the ground running with the intention of going on my photography walks! However, I'm aware that my wallet doesn't agree with dropping film off at B&H and I'm not sure when I'm able to drop off the film off at B&H. For the moment, the rolls of film will have to sit in the refrigerator until I'm ready to head to B&H. I hope it's soon!

"There's no instant gratification in film photography - only lasting joy." ~ Tina Rayburn

There is one roll of film I purchased at B&H just before Halloween (the day before) of 2023 that I haven't used yet, and it's been sitting in the fridge for nearly three years. I knew I had a roll of Kentmere Pan 400 Black and White Negative Film in the fridge but then at the same time, I kinda forgot about it since I still had the sales receipt wrapped around the film. I do need to go out by day while my son is in school and shoot (film). It'll be a challenge as the MTA had retired the MetroCards on New Year's Eve of 2025 (I still disagree with the MTA's poor decision to unfortunately retire the MetroCards when at a time MetroCards worked out in certain people's favor such as mine because it gave a handful of us the ability to do more and get more done without having to be a slave to the idea of refilling our OMNY cards weekly instead of giving us the freedom to do more if we still had the monthly pass without talking out of my ass as a direct way of doing things but that's just my opinion at the end of the day). I'm still exploring different types of 35mm film and in a world of digital photography, nothing compares to film. Everyone may have an opinion of photography, and which is better. Yes, it is cheaper (cost effective) to shoot digital versus using film where it drains your wallet per film and where you drop your film off, but it is cost effective if you have your own darkroom at home. My only knowledge of developing film is black and white film. I do miss being in the darkroom developing my own film or working on prints with my Ilford paper. I miss being in the dark room and how therapeutic it truly is. If I could turn my bedroom into a dark room, I definitely would in a heartbeat without a second thought! As long as I have my Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts drink on hand but hold the ice. I need my therapeutic fix of going on photography walks solo and spending time in the dark room, you may never see me, ever.

"I never know if I've got the shot until days later. That's what makes it thrilling." ~ Sam Yu

For those who are old enough to know about film photography and yes, film still exist in the world. Yes, there are places that still develop and sell film. Just do your own research and heck, even Amazon sells film, so you're not limited to your local photography store near you. Here in New York City, I will recommend three photography stores, whether if you're from out of town or visiting the New York City area or whatever your situation is, there's B&H Photo, Video Digital Cameras, Photography, Computers which is my main go to store by the way, Adorama, and K&M Camera. Nonetheless, be mindful for when B&H and Adorama are closed for Jewish holidays and early store closing. I'm very much looking forward to going on future photography walks in the unforeseeable future for as long as my camera cooperates! At the end of the day, I am very much looking forward to seeing how the pictures came out once when I drop off the film to be developed at B&H and I'll be sure to find a way to scan, save and upload to Flicker (not sure exactly when). I currently do not own a scanner and I'm not sure when I'm able to find time to use the scanner at LaGuardia Community College in the photography lab. I'm still planning on going back to college to earn an associate's degree in Commercial Photography or I may end up doing Commercial Photography Certificate.

"The beautiful thing about learning is that no one can take it away from you." ~ B.B. King

Since I haven't completed my studies at LaGuardia Community College, I still have positive intentions of going back to college and earn my associate's degree in photography. I have my own personal goals before going back to school and I'm looking to pay off an existing student loan from when I was a student at TCI: College of Technology before they had closed down on September 01, 2017. Feel free to jump down the rabbit hole on why the college closed down. In time, I will make it into a reality of graduating from LaGuardia Community College with an associate's degree and not sure as of now whether if I'm looking to earn my bachelor's degree, we shall see when the time comes! I don't want to rush into anything, and I personally would feel it would be a waste of money if I'm not going to follow through (not throw or threw since a majority of you confuse the two words when you're using them in a text message, yes, they sound similar but they have different spellings and different definitions of each word, a little grammar knowledge for the ones who weren't paying any attention in English class during your formative years in school when it comes to proper grammar usage and I am trying to save you from pure embarrassment and humiliation for your lack of proper grammar) on going for a bachelorette degree but it is something I am taking into light consideration since I'm not anywhere near completing my studies at LaGuardia Community College. My time will soon arrive to officially decide what my next move will be. As the saying goes, reading is fundamental and it does help you become a better writer! Let that sink in because the more books you read, the better of a writer you will become and even if you're one of those people that hate reading books. I'm a prolific reader since elementary school with those free Pizza Hut rewards when I was younger. For the time being, I need to focus more on my health during this time and knock out these upcoming medical appointments, specifically dental! I'm not certain if it's a suspected root canal or a possible infection on my right side of my jaw which feels very uncomfortable yet swollen and especially when I'm looking forward to my beauty sleep at night.

I've had my Minolta X-370 since the spring semester of 2013, and this is my baby! Be well, stay hydrated, and be safe out there.

Blessed be,

Jennifer