Life as of Late: March Edition

 "Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life." ~ Steve Jobs

Good morning; afternoon; and evening friends and fans! Namasté. 🧘🏽‍♀️ I'm not sure if this counts as for anything or if it makes sense, life has been a roller coaster ride as of late and I am making the best of this experience without putting my business out there completely, However, this involves my mother, Shiu and for the past year, she's been mismanaging her own health and I suppose the ancestors and the universe had other plans for her but by  all means, I suppose this is a blessing in disguise. I had plans of doing spiritual work on sending her out to Las Vegas, Nevada and have her spend whatever time she has with my sister, Gwen. With everything going on in my personal life, everything including all relationships/love life, as well as friendships and just know that I'm taking care of things before I focus/shift my attention, time and energy to enjoy the simplest things in life such as photography. I will mention this, I genuinely miss going on photography walks and yeah, I'll have people saying that I need to take care of my son, Stephan who is on the mild autism spectrum but is functional and verbal (thankfully). I'm sure there'll be people who will say that I need to prioritize my son and I feel sooner or later he will be doing for himself. Meaning, he'll have to go out and earn an income; I'm sure he'll want to go out with his peers or even go on dates, simple things as the things I've just mentioned without my presence being known. Essentially become independent in his own birth right and that's what I want for my son but not to sound negative or anything, I'm not always going to be around, but I'll be around spiritually to guide or teach when needed and protect. Let's not get this twisted, where did I say anything about something so negative regarding something natural and sacred. I feel that death should be feared by many since have zero control over what happens to us at the end of our lives!

"If you don't love yourself, nobody will. Not only that, you won't be good at loving anyone else. Loving starts with the self." ~ Wayne Dyer

I'm hoping to say this once and I'm fully aware that there are guys out there who would want love to be with me, I'm only going to assume one thing that most heterosexual "men" want to get me in bed with them and yeah, sex is normal if you weren't sexually abused by your own stepfather or have any guy approaching you just for having a vagina or getting raped and getting pregnant by the father of your child! With everything that I've experienced in my life, I can live the rest of my life without sex but there'll be natural moments that I need to release that sexual tension as needed when that desire feels natural to me, and I'm not looking to pick a random person off the streets to have sex with. However, I don't have anyone in mind since I have my personal reasons. I'm in no rush for a relationship and I do want to take my time because I don't want to feel like I'm "trying too hard" to enter a relationship and end up unhappy and miserable. I'm taking my time because I want to, I'm doing this for me, and I want to take care of myself first before I consider going on dates, etc. without coming off as selfish. Life is too short to live life with the wrong people, but you live, and you learn, right? I'll let everyone know now, I know I'm not ready to settle down just yet but let's revisit this conversation in about ten years or so, and I want to have my own adventures to put my curiosity at ease or rather quiet down my curiosity of the world. It'll be a bunch of 35mm film to last for about three weeks or so. At this point, I want to view these trips as self-care retreats and think of it this way, it'll feel like a spiritual retreat for the mind, body and soul. Away from people, the hustle and bustle of life here in New York City, it'll be good for the mind and I'm sure life would be a bit more enjoyable for me to be around people. There are moments that I want to enjoy time alone and there are moments I don't mind being around people. There's that balance if you know how to evenly balance each one out and I feel there are people for some reason have an issue with solitude in their own life, it may not make sense to me at the very moment. Maybe it's reason unknown to me as to why people are afraid to be in solitude (especially for both psychological and spiritual reasons) and I may not fully understand their reasons just as much as I enjoy being single! I fully enjoy spending time in solitude and as well as being around people. I enjoy spending time alone because being around people for any long periods of time is and can be draining to me, no questions asked.

Blessed be,

Jennifer

Personal Choices

"We believe in personal choice, rather than society dictating how must live our lives." ~ Mike Peters

For some women, it's a personal choice of whether if we want children or not and for most (men or women) who struggle with infertility while other women either murder their newborn or they abandon them at birth or they brave it out through adoption for their own personal reasons (may it be through rape/incest, an "Oops! I'm pregnant!" or they're simply not ready for motherhood) or whatever reason, they know they're healthy enough to conceive. I ended up getting pregnant in 2009, it was hard to pin point when I got pregnant since I've had a history of irregular menstrual cycles (past and present) and when I wanted to go for an abortion, it was too late to for an abortion. For the remainder of my pregnancy, I was depressed, angry, bitter, confused, lost, embarrassed, and a good part of me wanted to die and yet disappear. With my sons father, he had only showed up to two of my doctor's appointments and rest of the time, he'd send me text messages about an hour before my scheduled appointment that he wasn't "able to make it in time." I recently had my OG/BYN appointment this past week and had inquired about contraceptives (to be more specific, the Intrauterine Device or IUD for short), I was told to wait until I was going through my menstrual cycle before I could go for the contraceptives. At first I thought it was rather odd figuring I had just finished my menstrual cycle about several days earlier and never considered having to wait until I have my next menstrual cycle before I go for the contraceptive. I’m going to let all you guys who may be reading this blog that are looking to me for a quick sexual fix (in case if you’re single or already in a committed relationship on where your significant other just isn’t giving you the sexual satisfaction you’re looking for at home), I have had a history of history menstrual cycle in the past and yes, I still experience irregular menstrual cycles which can be scary at times (depending on who I am). I do like children but never had any interested of wanting to be a mom at any given moment in life but over all, I enjoyed my freedom of not having children. I have told people my personal interest of wanting to have my tubes tied, people’s response was: “You may change your mind when you meet the right guy.” And I personally doubt it because I have already made up my mind about not wanting to experience pregnancy, ever. It’s a matter of personal choices we make in life, for example, we make personal choices of being with certain people whether if they’re good for us or not, so choose wisely in who you hang out with and especially for the women who are sexually active because you don’t want to be with the wrong guy if he gets you pregnant then he runs for the nearest exit without return once when you say those magical words: “I’m pregnant.” At press time, it’s something I don’t need and whether if you agree with me or not, it’s my personal decision. It should be my own right to decide for myself.

I haven’t lived life yet but I want to live life, explore the world, gather myself (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and as well as career wise), have a clear mind/conscious, being able to feel comfortable but confident in my own skin and figure out what I want in life before I settle down. I want to accomplish something in life with hopes that I can lay my head down at night knowing I’ve made small accomplishments for day and so far, I haven’t made any serious accomplishments. I have trust issues when it comes to men: My biological father was never around much when I was growing up but I knew who he was (he passed away from a brain aneurysm earlier this year) so I’ve never had a father/daughter relationship with him, my stepfather sexually molested me in the early ‘90s while my mother was either in culinary school or in bed sleeping (Yes, my mother has known about this for the last three/four years but she didn’t do shit meaning going to a lawyer for divorce papers or anything, I’m assuming she doesn’t care about me so there is something wrong with my mother) and my sons father bailing on me during my pregnancy. By choice, I chose NOT to get pregnant in the future because I have no desire to get pregnant in the future and on the same token, I am not getting any younger, I want to be able to (try to) enjoy life without the guilt and frustrations. The idea of having my own biological children sounds nice but by choice, I have no deep desire in having to experience another pregnancy in years to follow. Yet, in my own right, it’s my choice, my life, my body, and my decision alone in not wanting to get pregnant in the future.

I can picture people saying: “Just one more!” Deep down, I’m skeptical because of how I emotionally handled my first pregnancy and I was feeling very negative towards pregnancy. If I’m meant to have one child in this life, let it be the way it is and end of story. So far, I’m comfortable with the idea of having one child for now and I have no plans to experience round two of pregnancy any time soon! If I were to change my mind on having another child in the future, it has to be with the right guy and once when I’m established with a steady income, career, as well as being comfortable, confident and secure in my own skin. To me, that’s important with the idea of being/feeling comfortable, confident, secure, knowing where you’re at in life and being completely sure of yourself in your own skin can be attractive without coming off as condescending. Lastly, I’ve been trying to Google search contraceptives (IUD’s actually), so far in my reads, some of the websites mention nada about having the IUD inserted while you’re on your menstrual cycle. I haven’t found anything that answered my question on whether or not if you need to be on your menstrual cycle in order to go for the IUD procedure.

 

Warm blessings,

Jennifer