Fulfilling Family Expectations

"A boy needs a father to show him how to be in the world. He needs to be given swagger, taught how to read a map so that he can recognize the roads that lead to life and the paths that lead to death, how to know what love requires, and where to find steel in the heart when life makes demands on us that are greater than we think we can endure." ~ Ian Morgan Cron

Good morning; afternoon; and evening friends and fans! Namasté. 🧘🏾‍♀️ It doesn't make the morning news when a dad remembers to pack the extra juice box, or when he spends his entire lunch break reviewing math homework. But it is in these quiet, unprompted moments that a father's love truly speaks life into a child. It is the reassuring smiles, the early morning drop-offs, and the desire to build a strong foundation without being asked. To the fathers who step into the gap, show up when they are tired, and parent with intention - you are the silent architects of your children's happiness.

"There's really no point in having children if you're not going to be home enough to father them." ~ Anthony Edwards

I never wanted my child to experience the heavy ache of a missing father figure. Growing up with that same trauma, I knew the battle of trying to heal from an absence that was never my fault. But here we are. It isn't fair. It isn't right that I am forced to play both roles while he is out there living his best life, treating his own flesh and blood like a revolving door.

For the fathers who choose to leave: Do not get mad when your child grows up and wants nothing to do with you. You cannot reap the rewards of fatherhood when you only show up for the highlight reel. If you are not ready to be a parent, do yourselves a favor - practice celibacy, get a vasectomy, or wear protection. A child is a lifelong commitment, and they did not ask to be born into your neglect.

Children aren't accessories you can pick up and put down whenever it's convenient. It's infuriating to watch a father treat his kids like a revolving door - bursting into their lives for a weekend, then disappearing into the wind for months while the mother plays both roles 23/7. But here is the truth nobody wants to say out loud: don't get mad if your own child eventually wants nothing to do with you. You cannot build a relationship on empty promises and part-time presence, and you can't force a child to respect someone who hasn't earned it.

Let's have an honest conversation about the double standard in co-parenting. While one parent is up at 2 AM with a sick kid, packing lunches, and missing work to handle endless appointments, the other is out "living their best life" acting like an unencumbered bachelor. It is not fair, and it is not right. If you want the tile of 'Dad,' you have to show up when it's exhausting, not just when it's fun. And when the child grows up and recognizes who actually did the heavy lifting, the absent parent has no one to blame but themselves.

Some fathers act like victims when their children refuse to answer their calls or spend time with them. They claim they are being 'alienated.' But kids are incredibly smart; they figure out who is actually there for them and who is not. If a father only drops in for photo-ops and birthday texts, he shouldn't be surprised when his child has nothing to do with him. You cannot abandon a child emotionally for years and then demand a relationship just because it makes you look good.

We've all seen it: the father who pops in for a birthday, buys a gift, and then completely vanishes for another year. To them, children are just a revolving door they can walk in and out when it's convenient. But to a child, every abandoned promise builds a scar.

I made a vow to my little one that I would never allow them to internalize a deadbeat's shortcomings. It is physically and emotionally exhausting to play both roles as a mother, but the alternative - allowing a man to come and go and destroy your child's self-worth - is not an option. Just like Will Smith learned to build his own greatness without his father, we are building our own unbroken family. (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air - Will's Father leaves.)

On days when the anger creeps in, I remember that we cannot force a man to be a father. And we certainly cannot get mad when our children get older, see the truth, and refuse to entertain the bare minimum.

"A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man." ~ Mario Puzo, The Godfather

Even though you've moved on. It was so easy for you to start over with someone new. I won't have that chance for a while. See single mothers who have their children 24/7 don't have the chance to go out and meet new people. Single mothers who work hard to support their children and give them everything they can in life, don't have time to go on dates. Single mothers aren't a hot commodity these days. So while you lay in bed with another woman, holding her close. I lay in bed with our son and read him stories. I bathe him every night, put on his pajamas, brush his teeth, and talk about our day. When he asks about you, I tell him you love him. Even though your actions say different. Even though, you can only manage to spend a mere day or two a month with him. I could put up with you making me feel like I didn't matter to you. But the day I knew that you would make him feel that way too, is the day I had to let you go. That was the day I knew you'd never change. You'd never be the selfless, loving father I thought you could be so I had to let you go because I knew you weren't good for me, and we could never be a family.

One day I'll get the chance to move on. I know Yahuah has a plan for my life, and I trust Him. One day, I'll get married and have a real family with a man who recognizes my strength and loves me in a way you never could. It'll take time to let go of all the hurt and pain.

I have asked for nothing from you.

I have never asked for money, I have never asked for food, I have never asked for clothing.

I cannot speak for absent mothers as I have no experience in this, I'm sure there are many out there.

It must be pretty wonderful for you to have the choice of whether to step up and be a dad on any given day. Personally, I don't get that same luxury.

What I do have the luxury of is watching a beautiful little boy grow smarter, bigger and stronger every single day. I get to hear his happy babbling in the morning, laugh as he laughs, and watch him fall into blissful sleep.

At first, I felt bitter that my life had changed so irretrievably while you still get to go out and party all the time. Now I see that my life has changed for the better while yours just reverted back to teenage years.

I have to be a mother 100% of the time, whether I'm sick, exhausted or whatever else. I don't get to say, "Sorry, not today." (Not that I'd ever want to.)

Raising our son alone makes me feel like a superhero. Like I'm invincible, and I could take on the whole world and still succeed. I'm doing something I previously thought would be impossible. I'm happily owning my single mom 'situation', and it's amazing.

While I don't have anyone to share the highs and lows of parenting with day in day out, I also don't have to share cuddles with my little boy. Does that sound selfish? Probably, but I'm so glad I have him all to myself.

It's terrifying and daunting that this is all on me, that I have the sole day to day responsibility of bringing up a child. It's just as well I have the love of not just two but two million parents to show him. I'll make sure he always knows that.

Not having that solidarity of a big, unshakeable rock beside me is definitely a struggle some days. But you were never going to be that rock anyway. I am my own rock.

You missed out on a great kid. You will miss out on birthdays, graduations, first dates, and watching our kid turn into the amazing adult they are destined to become, with or without you.

I won't teach him to hate you, but I'll let him make his own assumptions about you. Chances are, he won't feel so fondly about you once he realise how truly disgusting your actions have been.

I hope you don't consider yourself a real man, because real men don't walk out on their children. You walked out on the most important responsibility of your life, without any regrets.

I don't see it as anything I did wrong. You were simply a coward who didn't have the courage to stick out the tough times. Yes, things were hard in the beginning, but things are much better now, and I only feel sorry for you because you're missing out.

Our child will grow up learning how to be a great parent, all because you taught them everything they shouldn't do. You set a perfect example for all the things he will never grow up to be.

I've stopped agonizing over you, because you don't deserve these tears. Crying over you is like letting you win, and I've decided that you will no longer have control over my life.

I hope for your future family's sake, you don't do the same thing to them that you did to us. While you don't deserve the happiness that a family can bring you, no one else deserves the pain you've left us with.

If I could have one wish for my son, it would be to have a good father. A father who shows up and a father who puts his child before his addictions, before his friends, before his own selfish needs.

"Deadbeat Dads are the worst kind of fathers, and they need to be brought to justice." ~ Chandan Negi

"Many people think of child support when they think of a deadbeat dad; however, these dads also may classify as deadbeat if they refuse to care adequately for their children." ~ Anonymous

"They're given really bad choices. It's less deadbeat dads and more unemployed fathers, and some fathers decide to sedate and give up." ~ Cheri Honkala

"When someone chooses to be a deadbeat dad, they are choosing to abandon their responsibilities." ~ Chandan Negi

"Any fool can be a Father, but it takes a real man to be a Daddy!" ~ Philip Whitmore

Blessed be,

Jennifer