Unfiltered Motherhood: The Solo Journey

"A mother's love is everything. It is what brings a child into this world. It is what molds their entire being. When a mother sees her child in danger, she is literally capable of anything. Mothers have lifted cars off of their children and destroyed entire dynasties. A mother's love is the strongest energy known to man." ~ Jamie McGuire

Good morning; afternoon; and evening friends and fans! Namasté. 🧘🏽‍♀️ Happy Mother's Day to all moms out there. Since today is Mother's Day and since our experiences are different. I don't want people to have this impression and say that I'm "complaining" about something that is supposed to be beautiful and only if my experiences were different. I don't have any pregnancy pictures or a sonogram from my pregnancy. Believe me, I've attempted to ask for a sonogram but was told there wasn't any and I'm not certain if it is because I wanted to put my son up for adoption sixteen years ago. I don't know how much therapy can repair my pregnancy experience and I wish my pregnancy wasn't so traumatic. I was angry at myself mostly because I felt like I hadn't done enough to protect myself and I wish I had gotten my tubal ligation done years ago. I wouldn't be surprised if I had a gynecologist encouraging me to "wait" before I knew that sperm donor, Donald, even existed. I have always known that I've never wanted children for personal reasons, not everyone wants children for personal reasons, not everyone is fit to be parents (whether due to mental illness such as bipolar; schizophrenia; borderline personality disorder; just to name a few), and there are people should not bother to have children because of their shitty ass personality, specifically guys because most of you are so quick to run off into the sunset so you can live your best life while the mother of your child is sacrificing her body, her peace, her sleep, her social life, her love life, and her career for a pay cut while you're out there selfishly living your best life knowingly you've fucking destroyed her life and her body, for what? What the fuck are you getting out of this? That child will grow up feeling like they're inadequate, wondering what they have done wrong and feeling like there's something wrong with them when you're the problem that these children exist. Cut the excuses because life is too short for your sad excuses. I have my own reasons why I've never had that maternal desire to be a mom and one of those reasons is I don't need people doing the most traumatic things to my child leaving scars which would lead to sex/prostitution, drugs, and alcohol. When I got pregnant, I wanted to put my son up for adoption because I wasn't ready for motherhood and my son's father gave me an excuse that he wanted to distance himself because of my decision, but I decided to keep my son. 

"Mothers - especially single mothers - are heroic in their efforts to raise our nation's children, but men must also take responsibility for their children and recognize the impact they have on their families' well-being." ~ Evan Bayh

Being a single mom is no joke because there are many nights that are uneasy and there are moments that I'd love to do something nice for myself, such as going on date nights whether going on a date with someone or treating myself out to a movie and dinner. The idea of getting dressed up, saying "Fuck it!" and treat myself out to dinner and a movie or a Broadway show and a movie. Something nice. The sad reality, a lot of us or a handful of single moms don't have it easy because there is no support system to help and it's all work, work, work. When do we get to feel soft, loved, feminine, and the idea of feeling human! As single moms, we are humans too, we bleed the same, we deserve to feel happy, safe, loved, feminine and human. Yet, we're left feeling sad, frustrated, underappreciated and depleted. I don't want to say bitter because we are the ones hustling for that weekly income to ensure the rent is paid in full for the month; there's food in the refrigerator, the kids have clean clothes, and making sure the bills are paid in full for the moment. Meanwhile, the "fathers" are out there selfishly living their best lives, however, don't get angry when your own children you abandoned want nothing more to do with you because you were never there from birth until present day. I'm not going to sugarcoat anything to make you feel comfortable, nonetheless I will say it anyway. How do you sleep at night knowing you are supposed to go 50/50 on co-parenting? At the end of the day, you are a piece of shit as a "father figure." Make it make sense! If you're not looking to be celebrating Father's Day, please do yourselves a solid favor for everyone around you, either learn to take no as a final answer without question, your second option is to get yourself a vasectomy because that child you helped create did not ask to be born and they had not received that memo that they weren't supposed to even exist. Now that child is feeling a certain type of way about you! Your third option is to use protection as a form of contraception and condoms exist for two reasons. This is why pregnancy rate is the way it is and be mindful of STDs. Don't start complaining that you dislike wearing condoms because there are dishonest women out there who will cry wolf that you raped them while those who have genuinely experienced rape will unfortunately go unreported. I wouldn't be surprised if people start victim shaming the woman for getting raped. Once you become a dad, there is no return policy on newborns and there is no turning back either.

Blessed be,

Jennifer

Single Mom Chronicles

"[Motherhood] really forces you to address the issues that you claim to believe in and if you can't stand up to those principles when you're raising a child, forget it." ~ Diane Keaton

Good morning; afternoon; and evening friends and fans! Namasté. 🧘🏽‍♀️ I wish you a day of relaxation, pampering, blissful joy and happiness today, tomorrow, and every day after. You deserve it for being an amazing mother every single day! Happy Mother's Day. As a single mom, it's been an okay journey, although, I do feel that my ship has sailed away when I had gotten pregnant to do better for myself and have a decent career as a photographer full-time. I personally feel that once when you become a mom, you lose your identity and your career suffers as a direct result of motherhood standing in the way when you have bigger fish to fry! I've always held down part-time jobs since graduating high school in 2001 and especially when I would check off full-time whenever I would apply for employment. Perhaps I was looking in all of the wrong places! There have been moments I regret not getting my tubes tied before I even knew my son's father existed or I would have encouraged him to get a vasectomy done while I would have done the whole tubal ligation done to prevent an unplanned pregnancy. Ladies, if you aren't yet moms but one day plan on being a mom, if you lack health insurance, please apply for health insurance and find yourself a very good gynecologist to have the birth control conversation with to protect yourself! It's best to be safe than sorry. If you're in a predicament of not receiving child support but it depends on which borough of New York City you're in. Since I live in Queens, there's the Queens County Family Court.

Important Contacts:

• Main Clerk's Office: (718) 298-2000
• Queens Family Court Email: queensfamilycourt@nycourts.gov
• NYS Child Support Helpline: 1 (888) 208-4485 (available 24/7 for automated info)

Helpful Legal and Support Resources:

• Family Legal Care: Offers free legal information and advice regarding court procedures. Call (212) 343-1122 on Monday - Friday (9:00 AM - 1:00 PM and 2:00PM - 5PM).
• Volunteer Attorney Program (VAP): Provides free online/phone legal consultations for unrepresented litigants. Schedule by calling (347) 401-9460 (Tuesday - Thursday, 9:00 AM to 5:00 PM).

Be mindful the days and times may change depending on the time frame you're reading this. You can check online or you can call the number provided or send an email and if you're unsure on what to say, go to Google, type in something like: "Email inquiry regarding child support written agreement without case example" or you could word it as "Email inquiry regarding child support written agreement and visitation without case example". Here are three forms you can view at your own leisure! New York State Child Support Direct Deposit Enrollment Form, Stipulation for Child Support, and General Form 17 Petition-Custody, Visitation. I hope these help!

"I'm a childless woman, yet I felt no maternal urges whatsoever. The prospect of years of broken nights and nappy changes holds no appeal for me." ~ Kiki Dee

I've watching or rather hearing other women talk about their tubal ligation experiences so I'd know what to expect when I finally get my tubes tied! Here is a video titled: Tubal Ligation Surgery Process. Children aren't for everyone and not everyone wants children or have that maternal desire for whatever reason(s) they may have is a personal choice. I have my personal reasons why I've never wanted children and wanted to be child free. However, I don't heavily expect people to fully understand my personal reasons, and I have seven main reasons but I've why a long time ago in my regular personal journals about maybe twenty years ago (give or take). Here are some of my reasons that I'd rather defy society and their lame expectations: 1) No biological desire because not everyone wants or deserves to become parents. 2) Lifestyle and Freedom because raising children requires a strict routine and I find parenthood to be way too restrictive for my own personal liking (yet I don't expect you all to understand or comprehend). 3) Financial Constraints: due to the high cost of raising a child in this economy. Have you seen how much diapers cost nowadays? Man, I don't miss all those diaper changes and all that jazz! 4) Mental and Physical Health: I value my sleep schedule of when I'd want to go to bed and not worry about when I'd be woken up out a dead slumber just because the child couldn't sleep or had a nightmare or whatever the fuck and disrespecting my beauty sleep. I know it sounds selfish, but what difference does it matter? 5) Trauma and Family History: I'm or was not looking to pass down the generational trauma or repeat harmful parenting patterns. For example, there were moments when my mother would tell me this story on how if I were born a boy, she would have named me Stephen Anthony like I wasn't good enough for her just because I happen to be born the wrong gender but never once told my sister, Gwen, this story. I've always felt my mother was being extremely selfish. I didn't want my own children to experience bodily harm such as sexual abuse by someone they know because I was sexually abused by my stepfather when I was about nine years of age. I was raped at age 26 by my son's father in 2009 and I also suffer from irregular menstrual cycles to make matters worse. There were moments when my stepfather would make me feel like it was my fault for my biological father's absence in my own life but never said anything negative about it in front of my sister. 6) Career and Creative Ambitions: I wanted to go back to college, earn my associate's degree from LaGuardia Community College [CUNY] before deciding on what other college of choice to attend and earn my bachelor's degree. I also wanted to make sure I've found success in my career before I felt ready to settle down. Everyone is different and I hope you don't think I'm speaking negatively which I'm not. I feel that when you become a mom, your whole life is basically over, and you lose your identity of who you are as an individual. But when your children move out and you have to reclaim your own identity. 7) Dislike of Parenting Lifestyle: I'm not a fan of the reality of raising children, such as diaper changes, handling tantrums, etc. I may have unintentionally left out the concept of being a single parent raising a child on your own if the other parent is a deadbeat/absentee/sperm donor by unfortunate design or by choice. It's understandable if the other parent who has tragically by violence (whether by mistaken identity or wrong place at the wrong time) or naturally transitioned to the spiritual realm. May it from violence or an illness.

"The absence of doll babies in my toy chest didn't seriously influence my later decision not to become a mother; rather, I disdained Hasbro's Baby Alive wetting doll because I was already the kind of girl who would grow up to be childless by choice." ~ Lionel Shriver

Some people may not be fans of the concepts of tubal ligation for personal or spiritual/"religious" reasons while other find it necessary and liberating to have their tubes tied. I truly don't expect people to understand why I feel the need to trade places with women who suffer from infertility so they can live the life I take for granted when it comes to motherhood and I don't expect people to understand why I feel the way I do about wanting to trade places with women who suffer from infertility issues or unable to carry full-term. It makes me feel bad. Life is wicked because you have people who don't feel the maternal desire to be parents and they end up having children. Yet, while there are people who struggle with fertility are spending so much of their money on fertility help and still struggle to conceive a child. It's wild to me how life is so weird on how opposite everything in life can be, for example, people who want to be parents, but they suffer from infertility while there are those who are able to have children are shitty parents or they make great parents depending on the individual and it makes me feel bad. Like I mentioned before, I like children but from afar!

This is from my perspective as a single mom!

Blessed be,

Jennifer

Single Mom Generation

"There's no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be good one." ~ Jill Churchill

Good morning; afternoon; and evening friends and fans! Namasté. 🧘🏽‍♀️ Happy Mother's Day out there, whether if you're happily married or a single mom and much respect to the mom's out there by choice. What I mean by this is A Single Mother by Choice is someone who is consciously decides to start a family on their own without a romantic partner and I respect their choice while this decision may not be for everyone. I may not know everyone's personal situation, and I know my situation is different because I wasn't planning on being a mom at the age of 26. Long story short, my son's father didn't take no for an answer because he wanted a reason why I've said no while on top of me undoing my belt and pants. I have zero desire to be a mom, whether a single mom or a married woman with shared responsibilities with her husband where I'd have to constantly striving to be both a mother and father, filling every emotional gap so my child never feels less than. It is a lonely journey being a single parent because there is no one to bounce ideas off of at 2a.m. when the baby is sick, or to debate schooling and discipline choices with. You shoulder 100% of the guilt and the pressure. When it comes to income and doing everything alone, it's no easy task whatsoever! You are the sole provider. Without the child's father paying child support or sharing expenses, budgeting becomes an intensely precise and often stressful task. It's not for the faint of heart being a single mom and especially if you have a child with mild autism being raised solo without a father figure around. As we speak, my son's father isn't active in my son's life and he acts as a revolving door. Meaning, he shows up whenever he feels fit to come around, and it's not right that I have to do this on my own. Perhaps, it was my mistake of not encouraging him to get a vasectomy, and if I had health insurance with a gynecologist, I would have this conversation with a gynecologist regarding waiting to get a tubal ligation done Of course, the gynecologist would say that I'm "too young" to get a tubal ligation done before age 26 and don't get me wrong, I like children but from afar. Not everyone wants children for personal reasons and not everyone deserves to even have children! I feel we wouldn't have placed ourselves in this very unfortunate predicament. I'm not implying that motherhood isn't a blessing and motherhood isn't for everyone!

"When you're in the thick of raising your kids by yourself, you tend to keep a running list of everything you think you're doing wrong. I recommend taking a lot of family pictures as evidence to the contrary." ~ Connie Schultz

If you don't have your child's father on child support when he should also be helping out by pulling his weight as well because as a single mom, we didn't get ourselves pregnant and it would be medically impossible for a woman to get herself pregnant. It takes two to procreate life, not just none but two and that child never received that memo that he or she wasn't asked to be born into this world (let's not get it twisted). If you want to avoid all this unnecessary drama with the back-and-forth nonsense, do yourselves [as "men"] a fucking favor, do the mother of your unborn child and that unborn child a favor, get a vasectomy or learn to wear protection, simple as that! What is so complicated about getting fa vasectomy or wearing protection? A lot of you guys enjoy complaining about wearing condoms and two things will happen, be prepared to go to Family Court or worry about STDs. Don't shoot the messenger for spreading the truth when we all are fully aware of the consequences of STD's and/or unwanted pregnancy but proceed with caution. I will say this to the deadbeat "dads" who shouldn't even have children whatsoever! Every time you pop back into our lives for a week, you give them a glimpse of what a dad looks like. And every time you vanish, you break their heart all over again. I would rather raise them as a single mother than watch you treat their emotions like a revolving door. If you want to be here, prove it. Be consistent. Show up when it's boring, hard, and uncelebrated.

To the dad who only shows up when it's convenient: your child keeps track of every missed promise. When you drift in and out of their life like a revolving door, you aren't just hurting me - you are teaching them that their emotional foundation is optional.

Stepping up doesn't mean buying a pair of sneakers for their birthday; it means showing up for the parent-teacher conferences, being the emergency contact, and calling on the same days every week. It's time to stop letting your ego or the awkwardness of our co-parenting dynamic dictate your relationship with our child. They need a consistent, not a part-time visitor. Break the cycle.

Have an amazing Mother's Day, however you're spending your day! 😃

Best regards,

Jennifer

Second Chapter Choices II

Quote:

"We believe in personal choice, rather than society dictating how we must live our lives." ~ Mike Peters

I'm not sure on where to begin but there's so much that I could write about, everything from not wanting anymore children to relationships to marriage to health issues and/or personal health concerns if I'm going to be with someone because at the end of the day it is my business(!) to know what's going on with you (health wise) so I refuse to play Russian Roulette with my own health to my relationship status on whether if I'm single or married or in a relationship to what's going on in the world, well, you get the picture. Topics may vary and consider yourself warned, I hope this second 'Personal Choices II' will by my final blog on this subject matter on why I do what I do. But as callous and cynical as it may sound, it is based on personal choices that I have made on my own conscious mind! To answer this one question that most of you (mostly guys) ask me on whether if I am married or dating anyone or talking to anyone and my answer is no. The reason why I'm still or remained single is mostly by choice and I am not searching for a relationship with anyone at the moment. Second reason why I'm still single is because I find myself an easy target for men to approach me for all of the most obvious reasons, though I don't wear anything inappropriate in public and each time I put the idea of the both of us to get tested for HIV out there, the first response that comes out of their mouths are: "I got tested three days ago!" or they'd say "I got tested three weeks ago!" or even "I got tested three months ago!" Dude, we weren't even talking during that time period or we didn't cross paths in each others' lives during that point and that time period that you claim you've been "tested" isn't as relevant to me now because we (meaning you and I) didn't go get tested together! If a guy generally rejects the idea of going for an HIV testing then obviously you have something to hide because guys like you make the rest of the honest guys who are willing to go for an HIV testing look bad and because guys like you only care about the punani, nothing else. If you're going to reject the idea of going for an HIV testing then I am going to reject you! Why should I be with someone who feels that they shouldn't get tested for whatever reason they have and why should I be the one to waste my time being with someone who refuses to go with me to get tested? To say the least, I am not implying that you're "dirty" but however, I don't want to take medication for HIV and it's morally wrong for me to be with someone who refuses to get tested. The first thing that will come to mind as mentioned before is that you have something to hide if you reject the idea of being safe than sorry later but I'd rather be safe now than regretting it later and if I were you, just get it over with now so this way no one has to lose any sleep over anything! Consider this as a fair warning, I'm one of those women that have a 90 Date Rule while other women have a 5 Date Rule of no sexual intercourse during that time period, I've gotten this idea from watching "Friends With Benefits" and inspired me to give this a try but I hope this would work in my favor until we feel comfortable with each other instead of having an awkward sexual experience. So, during those 90 days, I want to get to know someone before I agree to be with someone [sexually] and as mentioned before, it's best to be safe than sorry if we both were to get tested [for HIV]. In terms of marriage, I just haven't found the right person and I choose to remain single by choice. I'm not ready to settle down and commit but I would love to start dating but most of the time, I feel like most guys just want the punani and I'll leave it at that. I eventually consider the idea of marriage at a later time but not at the moment and I am in no rush to get married anytime soon, for now, I don't believe in marriage but I'll keep my options open to discussion! I wonder by wearing a Burqa or rather a Chadri would reduce my chances of getting hit on, just saying.

"Society needs both parents and non parents, both the work party and the home party. While raising children is the most important work most people will do, not everyone is cut out for parenthood. And as many a childless teacher has proved, raising kids is not the only important contribution a person can make to their future." ~ Virginia Postrel

I've read several articles on Huffington Post on why women [who are healthy enough to conceive] chose to remain childless and in many respects, I totally understand because that was me until I got pregnant (mind you now, I had absolutely no plans of motherhood at age 26) in 2009. Just to let you know now, I've had a history of irregular menstrual cycles in the past and present. My body is weird because everything will be normal, meaning I'd have my monthly menstrual cycles and all of a sudden my body will end up going back to irregular menstrual cycles like a tennis match. I regret not being fully educated on the different types of contraceptives but not limited to birth control pills, abortions, and/or getting your tubes tied. Of course, I've had people discouraging me from getting my tubes tied so soon and I've been told "What if you meet the right guy and you end up changing your mind?" Well, if that's the case, oh freaking well because I’m not interested in having another child at the moment and why can't I just do the whole Essure procedure instead of an IUD? Where I’m at in my life, I have zero desire for round two of motherhood and don’t get me wrong but I have no desire for another child. If I were to have another child, the child's father will end up running for the hills during my pregnancy and it'll be too far into my pregnancy to go for an abortion. I refuse to get pregnant anytime soon and I'd rather die in a plane crash than to have another child. Anyway, both articles I've read were: "I Don't Want Children -- Ever" about this one woman who never wanted children, yet I don't blame this woman and the second article I've read from Huff Post Women was "Not Every Woman Wants a Child, and That's OK" and both articles are understandable but if I could do this all over again, I would have applied for health insurance ages ago and found myself an OG/GBYN to help me decide on which contraceptives to go with. Only reason why I never went for health insurance was because I had always thought that I had to pay into health insurance since there are jobs that require employees to pay into their health insurance such as my mother’s job at Brandywine Assisting Living in Little Neck, NY and I regret not doing my research on health insurance and educated myself on different forms of contraceptives on the market. The idea of me being a mom of one is my choice and I'm perfectly fine with just one child. I've had people encouraging me to "try for one more" so my son would have a sibling to play with, however, if I were married, my circumstances would have been much different than it is now because I would have made sure my children are a minimum of three to four years apart and since my son is now six years old, to me, it is too much of an age gap if I were to have another child. I'm not going to grab some random dude off of the streets and have him get me pregnant, oh no, oh no, it's not happening, not on my watch in this lifetime. Don't get me wrong, I do like children but I refuse to sacrifice my own body again all for pregnancy and having a healthy child. I'm sorry but not sorry because my baby father messed it up for the next guy that comes along and in some ways I messed up too because I haven't told him that I've had a history of irregular menstrual cycles which was my mistake. Am I politically wrong for not wanting to have another child? I don't recall the feeling of having a maternal instinct at all before my unplanned pregnancy and I do like children but never had the interest of being a mom at all but I do hope it's understandable to most but not all.

"I'm a childless woman, yet I felt no maternal urges whatsoever. The prospect of years of broken nights and nappy changes holds no appeal for me." ~ Kiki Dee.

It's very rare that I'd openly talk about my own sexuality (unless if it randomly comes up in conversation) because there are people who tend to shy away from the LGBT community to their religious beliefs and disregard the LGBT's because those individuals [understandably] feel that it is considered "wrong" and immoral to feel attracted to someone of the same sex. Furthermore, there had been times where I've voluntarily told people my sexuality and one dude who happens to be from Nigeria, Africa had thought that I was a hermaphrodite, I had told him the difference between a hermaphrodite and someone who is bi-sexual. Yet, I'm not certain if he understood and I suppose they don't have people coming out of the closet in Africa but if they had people coming out of the closet, it's just you don't hear about it often as you would here in America. For the most part, I haven't heard from this dude in several days and nor do I expect for him to randomly text me out of the blue. I don't know why he wanted me to "Marry" his brother and truth be told, I don't know this guy for very long and yet, he wants me to "marry" his brother. I can't help but shake my head at him and I don't want to come off as ungrateful or anything of that nature, I'm sure he wants me to marry his brother so his brother can live here in America.

Blessed be,

Jennifer